Planet 51/Transcript
Transcript (SOFT 1950s MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR RADIO) (GIRL GIGGLES) I've never gone parking before. I'm really not that kind of a girl. Well, I'm not the kind of a guy who would go with that kind of a girl. Oh, that's so sweet. I think. There's nothing to be scared of. (BOTH GASP) (SHRIEKS) (BOTH SCREAMING) I knew this would happen if we made out! (BOTH SCREAMING) Good shot, son. (BOTH SCREAMING) Uh, General, I think he's surrendering. Run! Run! Fire at will! (LAUGHING) Help! Keep firing. Keep firing! Keep firing! Kill every last alien! (LAUGHING) (EXCLAIMING) (ALL EXCLAIMING IN FEAR) You will all become my alien zombies. (LAUGHING EVILLY) (EXCLAIMING) Ouch, Mom! Command us, Master! (PEOPLE CHATTERING) What did I tell you about these kind of movies? It was almost over! Besides, they're all the same. That's not true. # Lollipop, lollipop Lo! I,! O! I,! O! I # Lollipop, lollipop Oh, lolli, lolli, lolli # Lollipop # Lollipop, lollipop Oh, lolli, lolli, lolli # Lollipop, lollipop Lo! I,! O! I,! O! I # Lollipop, lollipop Oh, lolli, lolli, lolli # Lollipop (COOING) You know, he looks just like his father. (BURPS) (CHUCKLING) Just like his father. # And when he does his shakin' rocky dance # Man, I haven't got a chance # I call him Lollipop, lollipop Oh, lolli, lolli, lolli # Lollipop, lollipop Lolli, lolli, lolli # Lollipop, lollipop Oh, lolli, lolli, lolli # Lollipop # Sweeter than candy on a stick # Huckleberry, cherry or lime # If you had a choice he'd be your pick # But lollipop is mine # Lollipop, lollipop Oh, lolli, lolli, lolli # Lollipop, lollipop Lolli, lolli, lolli # Lollipop, lollipop Oh, lolli, lolli, lolli # Lollipop Oh, I hate the rain. (SIGHS) Raining rocks and dogs. Great! # Sweeter than candy on a stick # Huckleberry, cherry or lime # If you had a choice he'd be your pick # But lollipop is mine # Lollipop, lollipop Lolli, lolli, lolli # Lollipop, lollipop Oh, lolli, lolli, lolli # Lollipop, lollipop Lolli, lolli, lolli # Holding my lollipop # Lollipop # Space, a universe of mystery. Well, today, the mystery will be unveiled. Thanks to science, we now know the universe is nearly 500 miles long and it contains, you're not going to believe this, over 1,000 stars. (YAWNING) Psst! Lem, come on! Liven it up. And still, the only known intelligent life is right here on our planet. (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) (MUSIC SPEEDING UP) (ALL GASPING) Huh? No, not today! Not today! Please. What was that? That's our planet after the attack of the Humaniacs. They're gonna eat our brains for dinner! (ALL GASPING) Is that true? Everybody, please, that's ridiculous. Totally ridiculous. Brains for dinner? Come on! Brains are for breakfast with cereal and milk. Dinner is organs and eyeballs. (ALL SHRIEKING) Okay, everyone, everyone, please, listen up. We're not getting eaten or harvested or having our brains barbecued. The universe isn't scary. It's really amazing. And don't forget to pick up your planetary yo-yos. (YO-YO WARBLING) We've got one for each of you. You're looking at the new Junior Assistant Curator! High four! Whoo-hoo! Well, it's part-time now and full-time after I graduate. How did you do, Lem? Got the job! Knew you would. Hey, I can see my whole life. A house, a car, two kids, they'll grow up and have kids. They'll come home to visit on holidays. Well? Got it! Lem, congratulations on that job. I knew you could do it. (CHUCKLES) Yeah, thanks. Oh, wow! There it is. Just two more days. Wow. Humaniacs lll: The Final Battle for Our Worid. Victory or extinction! (BOTH IMITATING SOUND EFFECTS) (BOTH HUMMING MOVIE THEME) If you guys go in costume, I'm pretending we never met. Did you just say what I think you just said? I'm a planetarium professional now. I don't have time for kids' movies anymore. (GASPS) Kids' movies? I suppose next you'll say aliens don't exist. Duh! Ha! Just as I thought. You're not Lem. You're an alien zombie, like in Humaniacs II. Skiff, I'm not a zombie. Yeah, that's what you zombies are programmed to say. Tell me something the real Lem would know. Well, I know Skiff is the only nutcase who thinks the government is hiding all alien evidence in Base 9. And you give candy to your puppy so he'll poop jelly beans. (EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST) It was just an experiment. With all due respect, I've put in the hours and done a lot of alien research at work. (STAMMERING) What are you talking about? You work in a comic book store! The greatest source of scientific knowledge. Skiff, time to unpack the fake alien poop. Right away, Mr. Haglug. You will believe me, Lem, when aliens put you on the takeout menu. Wow! Skiff! I love fake-alien-poop day. So, um, Eckle, do you think your sister's home? Why? I thought maybe... I thought I might tell her I got the job. Why? (CHUCKLES) Forget it. You tell her for me. Okay? Okay, but every time you tell me to tell her something, she asks why don't you just tell her yourself? What? And then my mom says it's because you like her, and then she says that, "Oh, that's so cute," and why don't you just ask her out already, 'cause she's been waiting for you to ask her out ever since we moved next door to you. (STAMMERING) She has? The girl of my dreams likes me? This is the best day of my life. Yeah, we got to see that kid throw up. (HUMMING HAPPILY) Hey, he did it! He got the job! Oh, we're so proud of you. (LAUGHS) I hear it's just one easy step up to Senior Assistant Curator. (DOOR OPENS) # Oh, my love # My darling # I've hungered for your touch # (EXCLAIMS) Come on, soldier. Take that hill. (CHUCKLES) Hey, Neera. Hey, Lem. I wanted to tell you, I got the job. (LAUGHS) Lem, that's great! Um... Maybe it's time that you and me... Yes? I mean, would you want to... (ENGINE BACKFIRING) (MUSIC BLARING) Hey, Neera! I've been looking all over for you. (SURPRISED) You've been looking for me? The cause needs you. The what? The cause. Glar's involved with something he calls "protesting." It's like when you shout about stuff that makes you upset. Yeah, like our school pictures. Why do they have to be of our faces? I mean, what a bummer. That means it's not good. Neera, we need you! Righteous momma! Oh, I'm so honored, but Lem was about to ask me something. Yeah? Man, what do you want to ask her? It's kind of private. No problemo, man! I mean, I totally respect that. (HESITANTLY) So, Neera... (SINGING LOUDLY) # Neera and Lem had a private conversation # And don't want anybody else around # Uh, yeah, you know, we can talk later. Okay. Peace. That means, "See you later." (LAUGHING GOOFILY) Bye! Bye. Oh! "The cause, man." I'd like to cause him some pain. (GRUNTS IN PAIN) I don't want to hear a single bubble. (FARTS) Especially you, Bubbles. (WARBLING) (OVER HEADPHONES) # Be-bop-a-lula I don't mean maybe # Be-bop-a-lula She's my baby # Be-bop-a-lula... # (WOLF-WHISTLES) (CHIRPS) (CHIRPS) Mmm? (CHIRPS) (BEEPING) (GASPS) (ALARM DRONING) (WHIMPERING) Call the General! Call the General! (ALARMS BLARING) (WARBLING) (THUDDING ON GLASS) (ALARM SOUNDING) It's in the Containment Room. Lock this section down, now! (ECKLE MIMICKING SPACESHIP ZOOMING) (MIMICS EXPLOSION) (IMITATING ALIEN VOICE) Resistance is futile. Surrender or die. (HUMMING DRAMATIC MUSIC) Come on, Eckle. Go help your father. (ON RADIO) # Mr. Sandman Bring me a dream Huh? Mmm? # Mr. Sandman... # (GASPS) (CRACKLING) (SPLASHING) Oh! Huh? Mmm? (ALSO SPRACH ZARATHUSTRA PLAYING) (FOOTSTEPS THUDDING) (HUMMING ALSO SPRACH ZARATHUSTRA) (HUMMING FINALE DRAMATICALLY) (SQUEAKING) What the... (REINFLATING) Duck? (GULPS) (CLEARS THROAT) (WHISTLES) (EXCLAIMING) (GASPS) Wow! (WHIMPERING) No! No! No! No! No! (GRUNTS) (EXCLAIMING) Mom! Dad! There's a ship in the... (EXCLAIMING) (PANTING) (BARKING) (SHUSHING) (EXCLAIMING) (SPITTING IN DISGUST) (EXCLAIMING) (EXCLAIMS) Huh? My car! (YELLING) Whoa! Whoa! Open wide or the big, bad monster will get you. (GROANING) (SCREAMING) (BOTH SCREAMING) (HUMMING) (BICYCLE BELL RINGING) (BOTH SCREAMING) (GROANING) (SIRENS APPROACHING) The battle for our worid has begun. Captain, mobilize the army. Yes, sir! Right, men, move it! (DRAMATIC NEWS MUSIC PLAYING) Are they hostile? Will our species survive? One thing we do know is that they show no respect for our parking laws. And speaking of survival, how will you survive without a sparkling smile? # Give your smile that special glow # Try the sparkle action of Dental Pro # (PEOPLE CHATTERING) You know, you're really good as that toothbrush. Yeah. But what I really do best is a suppository. Now, let's see. Invasin by giant ants. Invasin by sea monsters. Invasin by 50-foot woman? (BOTH GIGGLING SOFTLY) Ah! Here it is, So, You've Been Invaded by Aliens. (SIGHS) (HUMPHS INDIGNANTLY) Keep your eyes on the aliens. Aliens? All right, class, let's try it one more time. (SHRIEKING) The aliens are coming! Flarc, you were too slow. Go join the zombies. (HUMPHS) I called it. The only question is, should I be terrified because it's the end of the worid or happy because (GLOATING) I totally called it? Me, I have a plan. They're gonna need a native to run the mines. I'll befriend them, show my executive skills, and bam! I'm in. Oh! Speaking of "bam! I'm in..." A cork? It's your best defense against the aliens' favorite form of research. The probe. You put it... Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I think I get it. Oh, wait. This is yours. I already used that one. (EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST) I just remembered, my job. Oh! Gotta go. You know, my boss. Your boss? No problem. You guys can share. (CROAKING) Uh, Neera, you have to choose. It's either me or Glar. (IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Oh, Lem, there's no question. It's you, of course. (WHISTLING QUIETLY) (WARBLING) Huh? (BOTH GASP) (BOTH SCREAMING) Come on! Come on! Come on! Hello. This is the alien hotline. Yes. Hi. I've found the alien. (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) They're here, and no weapon can stop them. You've got to be kidding. (BEEPING) (SCREAMING) (CLATTERING) Hello? Yes, hello. I've found the alien! If you've spotted an alien fleet, dial 1. For pod people, dial 2. (GASPING) I can breathe! I can breathe! You speak my language. That's amazing! You speak my language. Yeah. That's what I just said. You just said, "That's what I just said." Say something else. Like what? "Like what." They're gonna freak back at Kennedy. I'm Captain Charles T. Baker, astronaut. As-tro-nau-t. Ass... (CLEARS THROAT) Tro-naut. (SLOWLY) Lem. (ENUNCIATING SLOWLY) Lem. Either your name is Lem, or you want to mate with me. Houston, we have a little problem. What do you want? Thanks for asking. Coffee, light, two sugars. Do you have any Frappuccino up here? Any puff pastry, too. Thanks. No, I mean are you here to take over our worid and, like, eat our brains? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold on. What kind of sick planet is this? First of all, it's supposed to be uninhabited, okay? Not full of sea monkeys dancing to the oldies. My missin was to plant Old Glory, whack a few golf balls and head back to the Kids' Choice Awards. I'm getting slimed. What? You were just talking alien. Hey, I'm not the alien here. You are. Me? You are. No, you are. You are. You... You came to my planet. (STAMMERING) An alien planet. Hello! Hello. Not, "Hello." "Hello!" Hello... What? What? Huh? Huh? Huh? Let's start over. Look, there's a command module in orbit right now. It's running out of fuel. It has to leave in 74 hours, and if I'm not on it, it goes back to Earth without me. Capisce? I have to get to my ship and go back up in space. Can you help me? You want me to take you to your flying saucer? No! If they catch me helping you, who knows what they'll do to me? I'll lose everything. My life was just getting perfect. (SIGHING) Kid... You are a kid, right? I mean, you're not like a thousand-year-old Yoda or anything? Never mind. Look, kid, you're my only hope. But I suppose you could leave me stranded. My wife will have to support the kids. Eleven. We have 11 kids, always hungry. Yeah. Yeah. But, hey, they'll get by without a father. The important thing here is you avoid (MOCKINGLY) A little trouble. (NEW YORK ACCENT) Alien hotline. What's the nature of your sighting? Hello? Are you there? Hello? Are you there? (WHISTLING) Hey, fella. Who wants a donut? (YELPS) (LAUGHING) Silly dog! (SIZZLING) (HUMMING) (GASPS) (SNARLING) (SCREAM BUILDING) There's your flying saucer. Now what? Okay, here's the plan. You knock out that cop, then you overpower those two. You neutralize that one and handcuff the big guy to the steering wheel. That's your plan? What if they start shooting? You're one of their own. They'll probably just aim for your legs. My legs? Don't your legs grow back? No! We're not like your kind, okay? (SIGHS) I'll tell you what, eat this. You become invincible. Oh, good. Then you do it. I can't be seen breaking the law. I've got the right stuff. The what? The right stuff. It means I have a lot of courage. Now go! Go on! Go! Go! Go! (MARTIAL-ARTS GRUNTING) Hey, Lem, something wrong? (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Left flank. Move it! Move it! As you can see, the army is taking positions, just like in The War of the Worids, getting ready for our first close encounter with invaders from outer space. Attention! So they've come. Captain! Sir. Have your men search the flying saucer. Yes, sir! Move! Hazmat team, go! Sir! Now our brave soldiers are entering the alien spaceship. It doesn't look big enough to be a space destroyer. Ooh, it's dark in here. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey, look! No sign of the pilot, sir. Oops. (UPBEAT ELECTRONIC POP MUSIC PLAYING) (EXCLAIMING) Are you getting... (MACARENA PLAYING) I've never seen such a heinous weapon. We are up against a cruel, sadistic enemy. Seal off the town. I want that alien pilot found. (GUITAR PLAYING) I protest! # They're bumming me out with their bad vibrations # Well, there's one thing you gotta do Never mind, Captain. The alien is right here. # And that's stick it to the man Grab him! Yes, sir! # Stick it to... # Ow! Glar's not the alien! Oh, no? Then what do you call this? Hair. He likes it long. Very unusual. You might even say, very alien! Excuse me! General! He does go to the high school. Glar's just trying to say the aliens might be friendly. (CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY) Oh, Lem! Lem, you know astronomy. (CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY) If an alien came all this way, wouldn't it be smart enough to come in peace? Uh... No! No! No! No! No! Uh... (STAMMERING) I mean, they've come to harvest our organs, make us slaves. Me? We should all, all of us, right now, go home and hide. Huh? That's a sensible young man. Let him go. And the rest of you, go to your homes and wait for instructions. (CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY) Hi. Go back to your homes. Show's over. (PANTING HAPPILY) (WHISPERING) Okay, come on, come on. Hurry up. Go! Go! Go! Go! Great! Just great! Look, I said I'd take you to your flying saucer, okay? Well, there it is. Now, leave. (SOLDIERS SHOUTING ORDERS) (SIGHING) I'll get you a blanket and a pillow for the night. (SIGHS) It's a miracle I'm gonna need. (WHISTLING) Mmm? (SCREAMS) Oh, you... You like the stone? You like the stone? Go! Go! Go get it! There it is! Stop! (HORN HONKING) (ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC PLAYING) Don't move! # I'm gonna tell Aunt Mary about Uncle John # He said he has the music but he got a lot of fun # Oh, baby # Yeah, baby # Whoo, baby # I'm having me some fun tonight # Well, long, tall Sally She's built for speed # She got everything that Uncle John need # Oh, baby # Yeah, baby # Whoo, baby # I'm having me some fun tonight # (ANNOUNCER READING ON TV) Aliens are quite like us, except they have two sets of teeth, hypodermic fingertips and hypnotic eyes to control our brains and turn us into an army of zombies and destroy our worid. What? Remember, anyone caught helping the aliens will go to jail. Jail? (CHUCKLING) This is great! Yesterday, my life was perfect, and now, I'm the most wanted super-criminal in the worid. At least you have a worid. I'll probably never see mine again. (CRACKLING) Our preliminary procedures have been completed, sir. The spacecraft is quarantined. We're looking for a place for your headquarters, sir, and... Still no trace of the alien, sir. Where would you hide if you were an alien? Hide? Bravo, General. An alien invader spends over $500 to fly across the universe to hide. You clown! He's here to take over our minds! Even yours! Diabolical! Captain, place me under arrest. Not so fast, General. I've trained my superior intellect to recognize alien mind slaves. (HUMMING) You're clean. But, uh, he's a zombie, and those two. How will we know who is a zombie? Well, zombies don't feel any pain. (BOTH GROAN) You're clean. You, too. General, you must capture the alien alive and bring it to me. I will unlock the secrets of its marvelous brain. Captain, search the town. Go door to door if you must, but find that alien. Ha, ha! Hello, Plark, if that really is you. Have a nice day, Serbok, or should I call you by your alien name? (EXCLAIMING) It's you. It's you! (SCREAMING) It's you! How come I have to go to the dentist if it's the end of the worid, Mom? Invasin or not, you've got to go. My mom's a zombie! Help! Huh? Huh? (SCREAMING) Zombie! Mmm-hmm. Okay, right, so, this is the last street we're gonna do today. (HUMMING) (SNIFFING) (BARKING) (WHINING PLAYFULLY) Okay, let's start at this end. Wait. I think I'm a zombie. I'm hearing an irritating, piercing voice in the back of my head. Oh, shut up. It's me. It's there again! It's me, you moron. Hey, what's that? (WHINING) (BARKING) Hey, look. (LAUGHING) That's funny! Look at it! Look at the dog! Mom? Mom? Mom! Don't come in! (EXCLAIMS) (GROANS SLEEPILY) Rover? Boy, am I glad to see you! Rover! Rover? He's a probe we sent to take pictures of your worid. Hey! A planet full of aliens, and you sent back pictures of rocks? Bad boy! Bad boy. Mom, don't come in! The alien! Whoa! Can I get your autograph? Eckle, this isn't a comic book, okay? It's serious. I don't mind. It comes with being a national hero. And... And my Humaniacs pster? And my... And my chest? Mmm. Uh... (STAMMERING) Hey, how about a snapshot? Get one of me looking up at the stars. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Mom! I saw the alien last night. I am so in. I got this guy wrapped around my little finger. Let me tell you, this alien's not so scary. (DOOR CLOSES) (EXCLAIMS) Uh... Your personal chef reporting for duty, sir. May I give you some tasty suggestions for tonight? I've got a list of the fattest teachers in my school in case you're looking for a light snack. Skiff, stop. He's not here to eat us or anything. He's harmless to everyone but me. Better let me do the talking. I think he's eyeing you for dessert. (GRUNTS) Aw! It's kind of cute, the way he does that. (KNOCKING ON DOOR) Oh, great. Let's just have a party! We're doing a routine search for the alien. (GASPS) Don't shoot! Don't shoot. It's trying to control our minds. What do we do? Don't look in its eyes. That's how they take over your brain. Brains? That's right, brains! (MIMICKING HYPNOTIC VOICE) You are my zombie slaves. I want to control your brains. It's inside my head! (VOCALIZING) Ooh! Its will is too strong! Ooh! (BOTH GROANING) # Hey, Macarena # Command us, Master. Command me, too. (MUMBLING) It's not real. I think I know when I'm being mind-controlled. Hey, maybe they could get me on my ship. I'm leaning toward "probably not." (ROVER WARBLING) ...an extensive search. But I think I know who can. In the meantime at the landing site, just to the left of me here, everything is checked and double-checked. The High Command taking control of the situation... You want our home for your headquarters? Gee, that would be a great honor. Honey, tell Lem we have guests. Lem, there's someone you'd like to... Oh! Check the papers. Kiss the ship goodbye, Rover. You really think you can get me on TV? You're the biggest story in history. The whole planet will watch. The whole planet? Interesting. I left my hair products on the ship, but I could improvise. You know, astronauts have to deal with any kind of emergency. I get it. He can tell everyone he's peaceful. All we need is a safe place, that TV reporter, and then we can all get on with our lives. Skiff, the comic book store, let's go there. Okay, but if he's not housebroken, you're cleaning up his mess. We need a slogan, like something that says, "It's a bummer to make war on the aliens when we should make..." Uh... Hey, Neera! Hi! Hi! Kill any aliens, Lem? Kill any... Oh, no, you don't understand. These soldiers aren't... Oh, great! This day gets better and better. General Grawl, you better take a look at this. Professor, take a look. Hmm. This is obviously alien writing. It says, "Surrender or die," and this is a list of surrender terms. Diabolical. What are you doing in Lem's room? I'm afraid your son is a zombie. (BOTH GASP) Hey, kid, what's bugging you? Neera. What is that, like an alien hernia? Well, sort of. It's the girl of my dreams, and now she hates me. Whoa! Hate's a strong word. Maybe she just dislikes you. Plus, there's another guy, Glar. Okay. You know your problem? It's not Glar or Neera. It's Lem. Look at you. You're so left-brain. Or is it right brain? Whatever. You're like the chief of control. You've got to loosen up. We've got a little time. You, my friend, are in luck. The doctor is in. Me and green bean need to talk. (DOOR CLOSES) Before we begin, I have a technical question. Are you considered very ugly on this planet? What? Because I can't tell. No. I mean, I'm okay. Oh, good. Good. (TANGO MUSIC PLAYING) Why do chicks dig me? Because I'm handsome? Because I'm an astronaut? Yes, and yes. But it's also because of Chuck Baker's three steps to romance. Spot your prey. Make your move. Show no mercy. Hey, baby. (INHALING SEDUCTIVELY) I saw you across the bar. Are sparks flying or is this place on fire? Uh... You're sure you're not ugly, right? I think so. Baby, tomorrow I go up in space, maybe never to return. Let's make our last night a night (WHISPERING) To remember. (GASPS) Lem! The cork! The cork! Remember the plan! The only plan here is to get Chuck on TV. I'll be right back with the reporter. I'm leaving you in charge. In charge? (WITH AUTHORITY) You heard him. Things are going to be different around here. My wish is your command. Come on, boys, let's track down this story. We need an alien for the 6:00 news. Wait! Stop! Hey! Uh... We're really upset! (APATHETICALLY) Yeah. Upset we really are! Yeah. Are we upset, really? Neera! I need to talk to you. Oh. I thought you were after the alien. That's not what's going on. Then what is? I... # Lem! # Mysterious Lem # Tell us the secrets of your heart # Uh... I can't say. (GRUNTS DISMISSIVELY) (SIGHS) Lem, I always thought we'd be together, but I need someone who doesn't always believe what he's been told. It's like Glar says, "The times, "they are a-different." Maybe you should go. # Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh # (GRUNTS) Hey, baby. What? Is this place sparking or is fire making this a night to show no mercy? Did I happen to mention I'm not ugly? Whoa! Are you crazy? (CHUCKLES) Whoa! (EXCLAIMING) Hey, is this guy giving you bad vibrations? (DEJECTEDLY) Lem was just leaving. I'm hungry, guys. (THUNDER RUMBLING) Are you kidding me? If you have to do a number one, use these papers. If you have to do a number two, go outside. And, if it's number three, I can't help you. Got you, alien! Victory or extinction! Oh, yeah? In space, no one can hear you scream! (ROARING PLAYFULLY) You missed! Crush, kill, destroy. Bang, bang! Ha, ha! Hey, Master! We want to be destroyed, too! Quick, cover the camera! If it gets damaged again, we'll have to pay for it. (THUNDER RUMBLING) (WHINING) You're afraid of a widdle storm. It's nothing. You see? Rover! (SINGIN' IN THE RAIN INSTRUMENTAL PLAYING) Rover! Sit, Rover! Sit! Stop! Heel! Roll over! Come back! Listen... You can't escape the tractor beam. It's pulling you to your doom! (SCREAMING) 6:00 news, here we go. (ON TV) ...going on a journey. Huh? Soon, we will crush the rebel alliance and control the galaxy. (CROWD GASPING) (ALL APPLAUDING) Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You are a rebel spy and a traitor to the Empire. Take her away. Skiff! (HORNS BLARING) Hasta la vista, baby. You are terminated. General, over there. Aren't those comic books? Captain, get your men! We gotta get out of here now! Move it! Move it! Go, go, go, go, go, go, go! Chuck, come on! Sorry, pal. Too dangerous. But... Out! You there! Stop! Don't lose him, sir! Wow! Don't you ever run off like that. What if they took you to the pound? How would I find you? Whoa! Lem? Oh, boy! We'd better run! Let's move! Move! Move! Move! Move! Move! Move it! Move it! Move it! Go! (BOTH SIGH) (BOTH GASP) Let the doctor handle this. (CLEARS THROAT) Ladies, who wants to meet an astronaut? (LADIES SHRIEKING) Ow! Ladies! One at a time! Chuck! I'm on Facebook! (PANTING) (GASPS) Ready? (WARBLING) Look out! The monster! It's getting away! Got you! Rover? No! Quick, hotwire the car! What? Hotwire the who? When are you green goobers going to evolve? Attention, all personnel. What's the matter? (CRYING) Why did he do it? I was gonna teach him to beg and everything. Amazing! The alien's brain is so powerful, it's controlling them even now. What is it telling you to do? Um, I think I'm supposed to dig a hive for the alien queen. Yeah. I'm supposed to blow up things. I mean, unless you need help with the hive. Oh, no, I'm good. You sure? I'm good. Never mind them, Professor. This thing has all the answers. Where's your master? Talk! The flying saucer is going to an undisclosed location to be taken apart and studied. This reporter is now going to reveal to you where that location is. Uh, this reporter has just been told that if I do that, I will be taken apart and studied. Oh, look. That's perfect. That's great. Oh, just great! Perfect! John Glenn goes around the worid, he's a senator for life. I went across the fricking universe! I should be governor, minimum! But, no, I'm marooned here on this stupid rock! Uh... This stupid rock is my home, or it was until you came along and ruined everything! I want my life back, unless, I don't know, maybe there's something else you want to ruin. Who's that? (SIGHS) My boss. Sorry, Mr. Hucklo. It's just for one little night. Maybe a week. I really hope this doesn't affect our working relationship. (TAPPING ON DOOR) Huh? Oh, great! Just great! Fired. Say, why don't you just harvest my organs and get it over with? (DOOR SLAMS) (TAPPING ON DOOR) Oh, great. Now look what you did. You made him really upset. Lem? You're looking right at my home. See that star, the little red one? Circling that star is a planet called Earth. It's about 20 billion miles away, give or take. There's no way space is that big. What? Are you kidding? There's billions of galaxies, and each galaxy has billions of stars. Next to that, kid, our planets are just dust in the wind. So, nothing I knew was right? Come on. You knew about Neera. I mean, look at her. Lose the antennae, get some plastic surgery, she's a hottie. I don't have the right stuff, like you. Kid... I never had the right stuff. I'm a button pusher, Spam in a can. I don't even fly the ship. It's all automatic. I only got this far on charm and my rugged good looks. You risked everything to help a stranger from another worid. You're the one with the right stuff. Get out of here. Finally! We've been looking for you! Guys! Great hiding spot. I call the closet. No way! Let's go fight the army. How's your species at hiding? Can you change your skin to this color? Your call, Captain Baker. What's it going to be, fight or hide? Neither. I think Lem's saying he wants the closet. I'll tell you what it's going to be. We're gonna go get Chuck back to his ship. Skiff, you were right about Base 9. That's where they have his ship. But we don't know where it is. Yes, we do. Rover found me. He's also programmed to find my ship. Wait, where is Rover? (SOBBING) It's too painful to talk about. It's okay. They've got him at the comic book shop. Well, then, we've got to go get him. Hold on. The whole army's looking for you two. You can't just stroll through town. Wait, wait, that new movie, doesn't that open tonight? Yeah. Why? (FANFARE PLAYING) (PEOPLE CHATTERING EXCITEDLY) The citizens of Glipforg are undaunted by alien invaders and are bravely going about their normal routines. Ow! Got you! There's the comic book store. Let's go. (GASPS) What great costumes! You two are finalists. Up on stage. Oh, uh, we're not here to enter the contest. Then why are you dressed like aliens? Uh, we're here to win the contest. What? (NERVOUSLY) Yeah, good. (WHISPERING) Trust me. Trust me. Mmm-hmm. Private, come here. Hold your fire, soldier. Take us to your leader. Welcome to the Humaniacs III Costume Contest. We're really upset! We're really upset! Let's hear it for the finalists. (CROWD APPLAUDING) What are we supposed to do? Give them their daily minimum dose of Chuck. Hello, Humaniacs! #... overhead lifters and four-barrel carbs Oh, yeah # Greased Lightning Go, Greased Lightning # A fuel-injection cut-off and chrome-plated rods Oh, yeah # Greased Lightning Go, Greased Lightning Come on, Lem! # You know you'll be a hit When you get right into it # Greased Lightning # Go, Greased Lightning You're burning up the quarter mile (SIGHS) # Greased Lightning Go, Greased Lightning Look at me. Watch this. # Go, Greased Lightning You 're coasting through the heat lap trial # Greased Lightning Go, Greased Lightning # You are supreme You're such a dream Yeah! That's it! # Greased Lightning # Oh, yeah! Bust a move, green machine. # Greased Lightning, go! (WHOOPS) # Go, go, go Greased Lightning # You are supreme # You're such a dream # Greased Lightning # All right! (LAUGHING) (SIGHS) (WHOOPING) (ALL GASPING) The alien! (ALL SCREAMING) Lem! Over here! There he is! All of these costumes! Sir, how do we find the alien? Simple, Captain. Like us, the alien is in uniform. Grab him! I got you! Chuck! No! No! Get off! (GROANS) Okay, keep back. Move. (GASPS) Time to meet the monster face to face. (CROWD GASPING) Look at it, Professor. It's hideous. And that smell... Hey, you try wearing the same suit for three weeks. What a remarkable brain you must have. An incisin here and here, it should pop right out. Huh? No! You're making a mistake! He's friendly! Oh! This poor boy's obviously a zombie. I'll remove his brain, too. (GRUNTS) (VOCALIZING) Ooh! (MIMICKING HYPNOTIC VOICE) You are no longer needed, slave. I release you. Return to your puny life. Kid, I'm going down anyway. There's no need for you to come with me. Thanks for everything. How about it, Professor? Hmm. Difficult to tell. Do you still believe the alien is friendly? (SIGHS) (SOFTLY) No. This boy is free! (CROWD CHEERING) Oh, Lem! We're so glad you're not a zombie! What about the alien spawn, sir? I want it destroyed, one little piece at a time. All right, let's get these aliens to Base 9! (CROWD GASPING) Not that it exists. Move it! Go on. Get in! We're here to honor a young man who survived a harrowing ordeal at the hands of the alien monster. Lem, come on out! (FANFARE PLAYING) (CROWD APPLAUDING) Son? Lem, I understand you'll be working right here after you graduate, teaching about the mysteries of space. Give us a preview of what we'll learn. (HESITANTLY) Well, we know everything about our universe. It's 500 miles long 500 miles! Remarkable! I can't. Space isn't 500 miles. It's not. It's so much bigger than we can imagine. There's billions of galaxies, and each galaxy has billions of stars, and next to that, our planet is just... Excuse me. Lem? I know I was kind of harsh. I'm really sorry. Ouch! Oh, hi, Neera. What are you doing? It's called hotwiring. It's how they start cars on Earth. Lem, um, I was thinking... Well, you know, now that this is all over... Yeah, Neera? Maybe we could... (ENGINE STARTS) (PANTING) Lem, you left everyone hanging! I'm going to go find Chuck. But how? It's impossible without Rover! My little Rovie. (SOBBING) I can still hear his wagging little antenna. (WARBLING) Rover? Rover! Rover! Rover! You're alive! But how did you get out? Good going, boy! Rover, Rover, can you find Chuck? Where's Chuck? You're going with me? Mmm-hmm. All right! Thought you could take over our worid? Your kind knows no decency. (CHUCKLES) You mean chick magnets? No, aliens. Tell us your invasin plans! And don't bother taking over my mind. If you do, Captain Kisno has orders to shoot me. If you take over Captain Kisno's mind, Lieutenant Groit has orders to shoot him. If you take over Lieutenant Groit's mind, Sergeant York will shoot Captain Kisno, Lieutenant Groit and myself, along with these three soldiers. Each man has a designated target in the squad. Should you succeed in taking over all our minds, Corporal Hisk has orders to electrocute everyone. If this fails, the entire base is rigged to blow at the touch of a button. Uh, General, sir? Am I supposed to shoot Hecknavar or Kolski? I shoot Kolski. No. You shoot Meckavoy. Well, then who shoots Kolski? I can shoot myself. That won't be necessary. Hecknavar, you shoot Kolski, Captain Kisno and graze Corporal Hisk. Yes, sir! Ow! Not yet! Drop your weapon! You. No! You first. You're mine, Hecknavar! I'm not taking my eyes off Kisno. Drop it, dirtbag! Oops! (SCREAMING) Hold your fire! (GRUNTING) Hold your fire! Captain Kisno, get everyone out of here. You're not thinking all this is my fault, right? All right, if you won't tell us, there's another way to unlock the secrets of your brain. Professor Kipple! He's all yours. (CHUCKLING SOFTLY) (SQUAWKING) He thinks we've found him. Hang on, Chuck. We'll find you. Ah! There you are. I was just warming up for you. Ah! Now, we'll have that brain out in no time. You don't want my brain. It's useless. I spent four years at a party school. Trust me, it's mush. Hello? Anyone here? (DOOR OPENING) Skiff, what are you doing? Oh, come on. No one's around. I'm not going to get caught. (CLICKING) Hey! Look, look, look. I'm paying! I'm paying! (ALARM BLARING) The thing with the... I mean, it just went over the... Wow! (IN AWE) Base 9. This is amazing! I was right again! (SKIFF WHOOPS) How do we get in without being seen? (DISTANT VOICES YELLING) Huh? (SOLDIERS CHATTERING) (GLAR SINGING IN THE DISTANCE) # Well, I tried to get along Tried to play along happily # But I'm sorry, Officer Your rules ain't no good for me # There's one thing you've got to do # And that's stick it to the man # Stick it to the Stick it to the... # Stick it to... # (BEATING SOUNDS) Ow! Ooh! Ah! Now! (GLAR GROANING) Cool. (SCREAMING) I don't suppose your planet's invented painkillers? (SCREAMING) (KIPPLE CACKLING) (SCREAMING) Yeah! Good work, Rover! Guys! This is so Luke Skywalker! Uh, by the way, you're not brother and sister, right? How much time is left? Just enough. Rover here will take us right to my ship. That's a funny place for his antenna. Captain, I want the whole base on red alert! Yes, sir! General, you must save its brain! I'm more concerned with saving a worid. (GASPING) That professor's a genius. positively effervescent. In fine fettle. What a salubrious experience! Well said. Cheers! Huh? My ship! Way to go, kid! Step away from the flying saucer! And put your hands in the air. There was never a chance you'd get away. (GASPING) You'd destroy the whole base just to get me? That is sick! Actually, it's kind of flattering. Sick? Sick, young lady, is helping the enemy of your worid. Sick is befriending a creature that's so completely different. Sick is... Well, look, it's right in front of you! I'm sorry, Professor. It's too dangerous to let the alien live another minute. (GRUMBLING) Wait! Wait! Wait! Stop! General, I know what you're afraid of, and it's not Chuck. It's not monsters or aliens. It's the unknown. I've spent my whole life running from it, and I think maybe you have, too, but I'm telling you, the unknown isn't something to be afraid of. It can be your best friend. And just when you think that it means the end of everything you know, it's really just the beginning. (DETONATOR BEEPS) (ALARM BLARING) (OVER PA) Base destruct, two minutes. (STAMMERING) What are you looking at? Run! (SCREAMING) Take that! Everyone on board! Let's go! Attention, all personnel. Evacuate base immediately. What are you doing? I can't leave him here. Why not? Because he's got the right stuff. (GROANING) Base destruct, 60 seconds. There's no time for autopilot. What's the matter now? I'm going to have to pilot this bucket. (ENGINES POWERING UP) Base destruct in 15 seconds. She is so heavy! Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one. Yeah! (ALL EXCLAIMING) You guys should check this out. (CHUCKLING) Whoa. (WHISPERING) Whoa. Hey, what do you think? Such a big universe. I am definitely coming back here. (ALL EXCLAIMING IN AWE) Am I a zombie now? (CHUCKLES) This guy reads too many comic books. Hey, Neera, um, now that this is all over, would you want to... - Yes. But you didn't hear what I was gonna... Gross! Strap in, everyone, 'cause I'm taking you home. (WHOOSHING) Hey, it's Lem! Hi! The General, too. (SCREAMS) The monster! It's all right, Chief. He's with me. Soldiers, attention! There is among us an astronaut. Captain, thanks for coming back for me. A pleasure, General. Maybe next time you have guests you'll throw a better party. Kid, how would you like to be president of the local Chuck Baker, Party Maker Fan Club? (GASPS) Oh, yeah! (BOYS EXCLAIMING) Oh, can I join? Be a good boy, (STIFLING SOBS) And don't forget to drink your oil. Rover, you coming? Or do you want to stay here? (SNIFFLING) Rover! My little bitty boy! (BEEPING) Lem, you saved my life. You saved mine, too. That was a, uh, man hug, just then. It's very big on my planet. Mmm? Hey, take care of this guy, okay? (SHOUTING) You're a great planet, and your '50s are fine, but give me a call when you get to the '60s, 'cause that's gonna be fun. (BARKING) # I've got a point to make I ain't being nasty # Operation turning our nation to an army # They're trying to hold us down with their new revelations # They're bumming me out with their bad vibrations # Well, I tried to get along Tried to play along constantly # But I'm sorry, Officer. Your rules ain't no good for me # Well, there's one thing you've got to do # And that's stick it to the man # Stick it to the Stick it to the man # Join the cause and fight the system # Sit outside your house until you stop and listen # Well, I've got a girl who's fighting with me # She's got long hair, green skin And totally digs me # Well, I tried to get along Tried to sing along constantly # But I'm sorry, Officer Your rules ain't no good for me # But there's one thing I've learned in this town # That is the man's a clown # So come on Don't let me down # You got to stick it to the man # Stick it to the Stick it to the man # I don't want to protest on my own # Stick it to the Stick it to the man (PANTING) (GASPS) Doc, that brain operation was inspired. You simply must try it. No, no, no, no! No! No, no. # Stick it to the Stick it to the man # Stick it to the Stick it to the man # (BARKING) Oh, no, no, boy. Easy, easy. Not the tongue. Not the... (SLURPING) (CHUCK GRUNTING) (SPITTING) (SIGHS) This is gonna be a long trip. # Well, I tried to save the worid # But we ran out of words to say # So instead I write this song # With a guitar full of chords to play # Well, I didn't really write them anyway # Well I tried to build a boat So I could sail myself away # But I ran out of wood # Left standing on the harbor in the rain # Well, I'll only get seasick anyway # Yeah, I'll only get seasick anyway # Who can it be Knocking at my door? # I hope it ain't the man # Coming to start a war against me # Who can it be Knocking at my door? # I hope it ain't the man # Coming to start a war against me # It's a sight I never hope to Category:Transcripts Category:TriStar Pictures Transcripts